002- Spring Cleaning

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a very spiteful person at times. Let's face it. There are a lot of things in life that I dislike- some more immensely than others. I don't know why, but I find myself disagreeing with society on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong- I agree with the things that ought to be agreed upon (ex: murder is wrong, stealing is wrong, etc, etc.). But I find that, occasionally (okay, MORE than occasionally), society in stuck in this rut or fetish for something I honestly do not care for. If you want specifics, I have two words for you: Justin Bieber. Another specific? Rap music. And Kanye West. I would really like to figure out how he ever got the notion that he was remotely important to this world, but I digress. I'll not have him interrupt my speech (though, Lord knows if I had been in Taylor Swift's position, I'd have shoved him off stage, and no one would've been surprised and/or felt sympathetic for the guy).

Society is a laughable subject to entertain, but we'll skip over that... Momentarily. It doesn't take a psychic to predict that I'll definitely be touching that topic at some point over the course of... However long I'm writing these (we'll be vague). For the sake of you, the reader, getting to know me, the writer, I'll broach a few topics of my major dislike. I don't like spiders. I find them very ugly in appearance, not to mention very disgusting in their eating habits and in their way of moving. That, and I think anything with more than two eyes ought to be shot or purged from this planet like some disease. Spiders are an irrational fear of mine, I guess you could say. I know they don't do more except bite humans, but they just don't look right. I find that arachnophobia is far more credible and legitimate than fear of, say, a friend of mine who is scared of ladybugs. Or Tyra Banks' fear of dolphins. Spiders are nasty. They don't swim around and frolic and make odd squeaking noises. They spin webs, and suck the guts out of the things they want to eat. And, excuse the brief moment of in-eloquence, but that is freaking sick.

And for the record, I also don't like sharks. Especially great white sharks. If it's big enough to eat me, then it's not a friend of mine. Something about their eyes are very... soulless. And we'll not even get started on rhinos. One almost peed on me when I was little and that was the end of my love for rhinos.

I also hate cleaning. Spring cleaning is a drag for me. Work in general I find very difficult due to the sheer fact that I can never concentrate. It's one thought after another. After another. After another. After even another. And then I can't even remember what the first thought was. But the story begins in early March. Some Saturday where I'm cleaning out my closet as best as possible. I'll be pretty blunt when I'll say that junior year did not go very well for me. It was very convoluted with all of the changes, the notion that college was actually around the corner, coupled with my dad having a girlfriend and eventually proposing to her, and dealing with the fact that Mom was gone, and it sort of bogged me down for awhile how utterly different junior year was in comparison to my sophomore year. I suppose that sounds silly- of course one year could never possibly be like the other, because people grow, yes? People age and they get older. It's the way the world works.

So our scene starts in early March- perhaps the first or second week, right before or after my seventeenth birthday. I was digging through my closet, listening to the music radiate loudly from my laptop, the doors shut so I could have a bit of time to myself. My closet was a cluttered nightmare, if you could imagine. It still is, but at the time, there was no existing floor. Shoes lay atop of more shoes. Some shirts dangled halfway on their hangers. And it smelled funny. It smelled like an overload of clothes sort of funny. I was trying to arrange the shirts by 'type'- regular shirts I'd wear to school closest to the door, jackets on one side, tank tops on another, jeans in one place, etc. It was very tiring. Very tedious.

Yet, the clothes weren't what fascinated me. Halfway buried under some shoes, I find the tip of what looked like a poster- discarded and untouched for at least a year. I tugged on it a little, cleared the shoes from it before I rescued it from its prison. I pulled it out into the light, looked it over and realized with the crease down the center, that it was not a poster. A... Giant card? How odd, yes, that a giant card should catch my attention amidst all the clutter, all the clothes, all the toys I'd stashed away, and that old Super Nintendo that still worked even though it seemed older than I was.

And this card, the words that were drawn so beautifully and stylistically on the front, read: "We Love You, Emily!" And it hit me what it was- and after that, I knew there was a second one, hiding somewhere amidst the shoes. And I found it moments later, the words, "We're Sorry For Your Loss" decorating the next one's front. Maybe it was curiosity that led me to peek inside. I had almost forgotten about them over the course of the year following my mother's death. Trying to remember what all the words said, I opened the first card, and allowed my eyes to flick and dart about the cluttered contents.

There was so much to read. So much to absorb. But brief passages hit me. One at a time.

"Be strong, love. Don't worry about it, we're all here for you, and we will keep you strong." - Woodson

"Thinking of you all the time. I love you so much!" - Georgia

"Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers." - Matt Polito

"Hey Emily! I know right now isn't the best time for you and I can't begin to imagine how hard it is. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm keeping you in my prayers as is everyone else. We can't wait for you to come back! Don't forget to smile, you never know who might be watching. Cheesey, I know, but hey, why not? Love ya!" - Alyssa Pasquini

"I love you, Emily Fortenberry!" - Emily Ifill

"You are an amazing person and all of us know you will get through this. We believe in you!" - Saebyl McDoulett

I think I was overwhelmed by it all (and believe me, there was so much more than just the ones listed). Maybe when I first read this, some of the names didn't register. There were people that signed the card that I hadn't known at the time but got to know later. There were people I was convinced had hated me for the past two years. It blew me away...

And then, I saw one that caught my attention. I think my mind yelled something along the lines of, "I know that handwriting!" but I didn't say anything. I don't think I did, at least. And if I had? It didn't matter at the moment. Because I noticed something that had never crossed my mind previously.

"Hey Emily. I know we met each other after OBA. I hope you remember me. No matter what happens, things will get better in the future. I promise. You're in my thoughts." - Eric Fleet

It threw me off. Maybe it was because, at that very moment, I had one of those feelings of, "Oh Lord, I'm an awful person" because I didn't remember when we met. And then, I think I laughed at that moment- though I could tell you that I was honestly tearing up at these words. I think I laughed because I had written proof that he promised me that things were going to get better, so I could definitely hold him to that. Or maybe I laughed because it was ironic that the very next school year after this had been written, we had re-encountered each other, and had spent the first month and a half of our 'knowing each other' in a state of absolute loathing. And that note. That little collection of sentences that seemed so just-like-the-others, but not. It was so ironic- and he and I would be the only ones to truly know why.

I sat down on the bed, completely unafraid to let loose a few little tears. Chuckling to myself, I set the card aside, pulled my phone out and I think I texted him something like, "Hey. I just found something you wrote to me." I put the first card aside and began looking through the other. This one was much more cluttered than the first, but I skimmed it.

"I'm sorry for your loss. Come back soon." - Scott H.

"Words cannot define the pain of this kind of loss. It breaks my heart that you have to go through this. I just want to hug you the first time I see you. I love you so much. Be strong, but lean on those that are there for you." - Georgia

"Em-Em, babe, I'm so sorry, I bet you're tired of hearing this, but it's true. Girl, what would I do without my Em-Lover. LOL! She was a great mom and we'll all miss her, you more but we all love you and we wish we could take away the pain but we'll always be there for you if you ever need us." - Erin Murray

"Emily, I am so sorry for your loss. Keep your head up! I love you, my sophomore!" - Colby Frederick

" 'Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.' - Mathew 5:4 You're the best Emily! I'm always going to be here for you!" - Janey Rapp

It was so odd, reading all of this. The quote Janey had used? I was certain I'd sent it to someone else when they had lost a loved one. And it was so odd seeing Colby call me a sophomore. Because, at that moment, I felt old. I felt so old.

"Emily, I am so sorry for your loss! I am thinking about you and your family!" - Ms. Foster

"Emily, you are in our hearts and prayers." - Ms. Press

"Emmy, I love you so much. I'm so sorry, I'll be praying for you." - Camlyn

And eventually... I had to stop. I had to put the card down, even though I didn't want to. Gently with a fingertip, I tried to blot out the little wet dots where I'd been careless enough to let a few droplets fall- unchecked. Disregarded. But I wanted to keep these in perfect condition. So I could hide them in my closet again. I could bury them under the shoes, under the clothes... So I could find them again, another day, when I needed those words to cushion the days that were the hardest. And so, silently, I closed both cards, took a few deep breaths, and set them both down in my closet, nuzzled and pressed against a wall so I wouldn't constantly see them. I would save them for... I wasn't quite sure what I would save them for. But I knew, without a doubt, that there would be a day when I would need them.

I sat on my bed, not even sure what to do after that. I couldn't clean anymore. I didn't want to. Migrating thoughtlessly into the bathroom, I stared at myself, embarrassed at my own red-faced reflection. With the grotesque puffy eyes that were several shades too bright and fringed with moisture from the tears I'd been smearing away. And I guess that's when I remembered how much I hated spring cleaning. It wasn't for the work. It wasn't for the effort it put to stay concentrated. It wasn't even because I hated having to organize such a disgusting, hopeless mess.

It was for the nostalgia.