I can't describe the mood I get in sometimes when I know things are going poorly. And when I say 'poorly', I'm referring to my mental state. Because there's only so much a soul can take before they just need their designated time to think. And this time, it was the people I was with that almost threw me over the edge of a boat in the middle of a squall. If you catch my drift. I don't know what it is about high school that just makes people want to fight, maim, and destroy each other. It's like lazer tag; you forge teams, but you still end up either getting shot in the back or shooting your ally in the back. I don't understand why we even come up with the concept of being allied if all we're going to do is be allied for a few fleeting moments.
Needed to think. And so, I left. I drove, hidden behind my aviator sunglasses. I have this obsession with wanting people not to know when I'm upset. So, I drove my car, auto-pilot for home even though I didn't want to go there. I knew there'd be someone to pester me. My dad. My sisters. Sometimes, I swear, they didn't understand the concept of wanting some alone time to sort out your thoughts. But I digress.
My first angry thought was that I was tired of being sick all of the time. I hadn't had another one of those awful spells in awhile, but right before my performance at solo and ensemble, I felt as though I was going to see my green tea latte again. And I wondered if it'd be as green as it was the first time.
My second angry thought was that I was tired of being torn into pieces by people. Wanting me to be on 'their side', but not on another person's side. And if I saw where the other person was coming from, then I clearly wasn't their friend. And then, there was the other thought that linked onto this one, and that was when I realized that I invested too much of my emotions and myself into these people. And it clearly wasn't healthy. I guess I understood why I did that. It dated back. Back two years ago. When I knew my family was crumbling apart because my mom had passed away. It was sort of funny how everything that happens now relates to something from long ago. Something I did. Something someone else did. Something I wish I had done. And that was when I realized that I invested too much into these people because, two years ago, I had to in order to keep myself sane.
But it was funny now. Because I realized that was going insane because I kept investing. I just kept on investing and investing and I wondered what the results had come from it? There were people I had invested in that had only attempt to invest in me to take whatever they could and leave me there with nothing. There were people I had invested in, and they'd done nothing. Absolutely nothing. And I realized that, perhaps I had wasted a lot of my time after all. A lot of time hoping for things that would never happen. A lot of time waiting for people to 'get it' finally. And they never would. I wanted to head-desk my steering wheel. I couldn't go home now. I had a lot to think about. Too much to think about...
I don't know why I ended up at the park, but it always seemed like the perfect place to be when you just needed awhile to sit and contemplate where you were going in life. And things began hitting me then. College was on my doorstep. Knocking, knocking, knocking, and hand-in-hand with my future, which, I realized, would be probably far from the people that always hung me out to dry in the end. That thought was comforting. Senior year, after all, was supposed to be that year that I was going to 'finish things perfectly'. At the moment, it seemed so far from perfect. Failing relationships galore with friends. Every day was a struggle just dealing with the amount of drama that went on. It felt like I hadn't actually talked to someone in ages. And I asked myself why it seemed that way. And it was either they- the ones I had tried talking to before- were just gone. Gone, gone, gone in the wind. And I wasn't so sure anymore if they were like boomerangs or not.
I remained there, in my car, changed out of my dress into jeans, tights (for extra-warmth because I knew that I'd get out and walk), a plaid shirt, and my green TOMS. I pulled on a heavy black hoodie, and kept my sunglasses on as I walked out. Stuffing my bag under my seat, I took only my phone, my car keys, and my iPod. I plugged in my earphones, put my iPod on shuffle, and I began to walk. And it was then that I realized that I was actually doing this- taking a walk like I probably should've done a long time ago to get more acquainted with my situation in life. I buried my hands into the pockets of my jacket, and I kept moving. I didn't know where I was going. But I just let my feet do the moving and my mind do the thinking. And the first thing I asked, was not to myself, but to God. I asked him why people had to be so dumb sometimes. I asked him why he couldn't give me something exciting in my life. I asked him why he made me like this- especially with a stomach that hated everything I gave to it.
I'll admit that I was angry when I was doing all of this. Very angry indeed. I missed the summer. I missed the warmth. I missed everyone not hating each other's guts then wanting me to pick sides. I missed the old versions of people that I had once had faith in. The ones that had died sometime ago- leaving behind some empty husk that just made me feel even worse when I saw them. But I supposed I had changed, too. I guess it would be weird if we all stayed the same.
My feet picked paths I'd never gone down before. Or, at least it'd been awhile. I ended up at an overlook in Mitch Park, staring at craggy pieces of red dirt and long grass. Taking the small path down, off the paved road, I lifted my hood on my jacket, definitely acknowledging the fact that this made me look like a creeper. I didn't care though. With the baggy jacket and the sunglasses, no one would recognize me. And if they did, it wouldn't really matter, would it?
My iPod picked very ironic songs. The first started off with a very light tune: Welcome to the Black Parade.
"When I was a young boy,
My father took me into the city,
To see a marching band.
He said, "Son, when you grow up
Would you be the savior of the broken,
The beaten, and the damned?"
My TOMS were perfect for this trek. Light, quick, and easy to climb in. I moved rock from rock, my eyes gazing across the quiet, absolutely deserted park. It was perfect, wasn't it? No one around. I did caution myself that people had gotten kidnapped here before. I'm sure I looked like more of a kidnapper than a kidnapee with the hoodie and such. But I told myself to be careful and check my surroundings every now and then.
"He said, "Will you defeat them?
Your demons and all the non-believers,
The plans that they have made?
Because one day, I'll leave you
A phantom to lead you in the summer
And join the Black Parade"."
I don't know what sparked my interest about the creek. It was small. Dry. But I have this thing about when I see a trail, I feel like it must be followed. It'd been a few weeks since I'd done this- follow a trail to see where it went. The last time, I'd been with Colby, trying to find the little collection of puddles and cliffs known as the Overlord's Sanctum- somewhere beyond his backyard fence. But this time, there was no snow to hamper my travels. Just the biting wind to make me want to nestle myself back into my hoodie. I kept moving, though, my feet hooking into niches in the stone, balancing on tree branches and trunks laying discarded on the earth to avoid little cold puddles of water, decorated with fallen leaves. Perhaps the creek got wider as it went- or, I know it did, because the jump to move from one side to the other got more and more difficult. And soon enough, I came to a few 'drop points', where I'd climb down further into the basin of the would-be stream, and I would dance around the sloshy pits of mud and clear pools of water. A few times did my feet touch the burgundy colored mud, but I merely trekked on. I still didn't even know where I was going.
More songs came and went on my iPod: Into the Ocean by Blue October. In the End by Linkin Park. Sin with a Grin by Shinedown. 21 Guns by Green Day. There were others, but these stood out to me above the rest. I threw myself over the widening ditch, grasping the wall of leaves, roots, and tree trunks. My fingers wrapped themselves around a particularly strong root, and I shuffled my way to a flatter piece of land, glancing down at where there was actually a bit of an amount of water. Soon enough, I noticed that the ditch was leading up to a very evident, very steep drop. I clambered out of the creek, and I pulled myself onto the shore.
I guess at this point, I realized my focus had been more on discovery than the actual reason I was out here- to clear my mind of all the negativity in the first place. The land had gotten more hilly as the trek had gone on. Occasionally, I swore I heard a dog bark someplace far off, but I didn't see anything. I felt as though I was truly in the middle of nowhere. But it didn't concern me. Not in the slightest. The path led up a hill, where the trees thinned out and I found myself overlooking what seemed like a dwarf crater in the pits of the woods, a sheer drop off where the creek still had trickles and chuckles of water that flowed, cascading and gurgling down the side of the mossy stone wall of a drop-off. But the walls surrounding this area, which led down to a pool that reminded me of the one Rafiki shows Simba in the Lion King, were curved as if to protect and preserve it. Something about the clear water- where I could see leaves and stones clutter the bottom- and the entire atmosphere of being alone in nature made me want to enter the depths of this place. It was a challenge. And it would make me feel like I had accomplished something by trekking down here, so I began along the trail after a moment's reprieve, looking for a way down. Sure enough, I found a path that led to the water, and I leapt over the water to a large slab of stone in the center of the placid creek. The trickling of water was much louder in the basin that seemed to make the Overlord's Sanctum seem like some midget or laughable joke. I craned my neck back, gazing up at the walls of dirt, compact mud, and stone that surrounded me, leading out only behind me to continue the trail where a creek had once been.
I approached the waters, first observing that there were a few rocks right at the edge of the water that were very flat and would be easy to stand or sit on. My eyes glanced over the terrain, impressed and intrigued that it seemed so out of the way, yet so close to the paved road just several yards up a very treacherous climb out of the ravine. But, I suppose the peace was short-lived.
I'm going to blend in two concepts to accurately describe what was going through my mind, so bear with me. The first concept was that strange flicker of familiarity- almost like deja-vu, but it wasn't something you'd lived through before. It was a sensation of 'Oh, that happens in the movies a lot', but at the same time, I was startled when I heard the first few barks from the hound. The footsteps echoing that only made the entire experience seem uncannily like something from a movie. Here, I thought, was when the good guy got busted by the bad guy.
And yet, at the same time, the next concept that went through my mind was that this was some grand heralding. I've often proclaimed myself a nerd, and this would probably only confirm it. For me, it crossed my mind that this was the same as Link being summoned by the Deku Tree, or the Keyblade appearing in Sora's hand. Or Fox McCloud drawing Krystal's staff from the ground. Or even Frodo being left the Ring of Power. It felt the same, for that moment. That brief moment. And, oddly enough, the footsteps thundered- louder and louder. I wasn't scared. Instead, I heard them stop. I heard the dog bay a few more times, then I looked up, at the very crest on the ridge where I had sat to overlook the huge pool. Staring down at me was a man. It crossed my mind that I wasn't entirely sure where in the park I had strayed. I hoped it hadn't been out of the park's limits, but that seemed very ridiculous. It also crossed my mind, again, that people had gotten kidnapped here before, but I doubted kidnappers would be so bold as to trek through the place on a sunny day.
"Hello fellow hiker!" He called.
I pulled my sunglasses off and looked at him, my hood lowered and I waved. There was a woman and some girl with them. And their little pet beagle. We exchanged a few words. Mostly a, "Hi!" and "It's pretty down here!" and that was about it. They were on their way soon enough. And, oddly enough, I felt a bit of a sinking in my chest. It would've made a better story if they had been kidnappers and I had defeated them single-handedly, I thought with a snort to myself. I turned my attention back to the water, and that's when I saw it.
It was orange. I thought it was a body at first, and horror coursed through my veins faster than my heart could pump blood. Drawing back, I stared, wide-eyed at the orange phantom as it hung so limp and lifeless in the pool. My second guess was that it was a backpack that had been lost some time ago. My third guess was correct- a torn in half hoodie that looked like it had been burned to shreds. I had to investigate, you must understand. I'm inquisitive by nature, and it seemed so wrong leaving it there, in the heart of nature, wrecking the harmony with its nasty, burnt self. I tried to use a stick to reach it, but it was not long enough. I tried climbing onto a ledge to reach it, but I still could not. Finally, I came up with the next idea, which I knew from the start was a very, very bad idea.
At this point, my anger was forgotten. All of my frustrations had been released by curiosity for this... this thing. An enigma. A mystery. I wondered how it had gotten there. What had shredded it. Who had left it. And why they had never come back for it. It was just there. It'd have been in perfect condition in that water- clear as a crystal and, as far as I could tell, uninhabited by any water animals. It was at this time that Colby made the first call. I had sent him a picture of the place through a text message. My ring tone, specialized for him only, broke the natural music from the woods, starting off with the first few chords of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance.
"Hello?" I answered, holding the phone up to my ear.
"Emily Caroline Fortenberry, ARE YOU IN MY BACKYARD?" Colby's response did receive a priceless grin. Admittingly, I had thought about breaking into his backyard. The Overlord's Sanctum was a nice enough place to sit at and contemplate the many wonders of life, but this was far more exciting.
"No. You're not gonna believe where I am," I replied with a smile- even though he couldn't even see it, really.
"Where ARE you?" Colby asked cluelessly.
"Mitch Park. I found this place off the paved road. It's pretty cool! You should come see it," I answered excitedly.
"Mitch Park? What are you doing there?" Colby asked. I wasn't sure how to answer that question. It required too much explanation, so I abbreviated it. More or less.
"I was having... Bad thoughts," I was very well aware that I sounded like a two-year-old. "So I needed just to sit and think about things. So I went exploring. And I found this place."
The conversation was very short from there on. I told him I would take him there sometime, and I added that I was going to retrieve a little hoodie from the depths of this massive pool at the base of a small trickle of creek water. After the phone call was finished, I sat my phone and iPod down on one of the flat stones. Cautiously, I grabbed onto the stone wall of the basin, looking at the hoodie in sheer determination. Dang you, I WILL get you! I swore to myself. One hand grappling with a set of very untidy looking roots, I climbed very slowly, my TOMS digging straight into the muddy red stone. I worked my way and found that, still, the hoodie was out of reach. But I was this far. I was determined.
I don't quite remember how it happened. I just remember one leg plunging down and then it was cold. Very cold. A hand grabbing the roots kept my head above the freezing water. My lungs shrieked in such fear at the sudden temperature change that I was surprised a cry did not escape my gaping mouth. I had fallen in! It seemed too cruel to be true on that bitter cold day. And yet, there I was- waist-deep in the pool of water. And, ironically enough to myself, a secret sadistic part of my mind laughed. Just like TOS. Though, I doubt you have superpowers now.
Since I was already in the water, I went ahead and grabbed the hoodie, though I noticed that another portion of the hoodie was deeper in the water. Clenching my teeth, I thrust my arm into the chilly depths, the surface of the pool coming up just to the rim of the top of my grey jeans. With success, I pulled out the hoodie, dragging it with me towards the shoreline, by the phone and iPod. I recalled that my car keys were still in my pocket and I cussed silently. But I merely dropped the jacket on a nearby rock, climbed out, and thanked the Lord there were no snakes or really unpleasant looking, man-eating fish in that pool. Huffily, I grabbed my phone, feeling the chill of the wind on my legs. The tights had done nothing to protect me from the water. I wasn't surprised. I called Colby.
"Hello?" he asked on the other end of the phone.
"Guess what just happened?" I asked him, not even trying to hide my frustration in my voice.
"What?" Colby asked.
"I fell in. The pool," I responded grudgingly.
"YOU FELL IN!?" Colby sounded a mixture of horrified and amused at the same time. I did not share his amusement... Well. Not at first.
"I er... Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. I'm drenched," I replied. Would he think that I would LIE about that!? I wondered to myself. Yeah. Pretty much at that moment, I realized there was no way in Heaven, Hell, OR Earth that I would lie about falling in a pool... Creek... Thing. Now that I thought about it, I wasn't even sure what to call it.
"Oh my gosh, ARE YOU OKAY!?" Colby asked, voice borderline shrill. Borderline.
"Yeah, I'm fine... Just really wet. And really cold. I just wanted to tell you so you could make fun of me later," I said in a semi-sardonic, semi-sweet tone of voice.
"I er... I er uh... Well... Get dry?" Colby suggested.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'll do that," I replied with a chuckle.
"Well... Why did you fall in?" he asked in curiosity.
"There was a jacket in the water. And... I wanted to get it," I explained sheepishly.
"Well... Did you find anything in the pockets? LOOT IT, EMILY! LOOT THE JACKET!" Colby cried out in excitement. As I patted it down, I couldn't find anything. Nothing at all...
"Nothing's here. Just a shredded jacket. Lame..." I replied. "I guess I'll see you later, okay? Good luck this afternoon with your show."
The conversation ended and I began my trek up the slope, towards the paved road that ran not far from the little basin- the New Sanctum, as I would call it. I cradled the little hoodie in my arms like it was a baby. I didn't run into anyone on my way back to the car. I plopped the jacket I had fallen in the pool for in the back of my car. I figured there was no sense in just leaving it in the woods anyways. If I couldn't salvage it, I could at least throw it away- like some respectable citizen would. Getting in my car, I sat in the seat, my jeans and TOMS absolutely soaked. I pulled my jacket off and threw it in the back, suppressing a shiver from the chill. At least I'd gotten my mind off of things and my spirits had been lifted temporarily.
But as I drove out of Mitch Park, I couldn't help but laugh at the entire situation- how dumb, pointless, and trivial it had all been. And yet, it had seemed like a grand adventure at the time. Just something to keep my mind entertained. Something that didn't seem like reality. And I laughed because I had become aware that this was God's way of getting back at me for before. For getting angry with Him. I guess He had thought it'd be funny, making me fall into a pool and looking like some idiot. But I accepted it. I accepted it because I knew that it was justice for my traitorous thoughts before. And so, with laughter abound, I drove myself back home. Spirits lifted.
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